Dear Disney, regarding Star Wars VIII

Dear Disney,

I’m going to stall for a bit in this letter so that those who have not yet seen the film won’t accidentally read any “spoilers”. I’ll start with the compliments.

  1. You kept John Williams as composer. Most wise.
  2. In buying the StarWars franchise, you acquired yet another Disney princess. She fit all your standards: parents are either dead, or princess is rebellious against her father, and she’s clueless as to healthy relationships with men. I congratulate you only because… I already liked Leia.
  3. No Jar-Jar Binks. Stroke of genius.
  4. No Death Star. Variety is good.

Now the questions.

Foreshadowing?

I see you felt no obligations to keep the script writer from VII. Okay… but your new guy chose to ignore all the foreshadowing and hinting done in VII. Don’t care who you are, if you foreshadow but don’t follow through, that’s simply bad story telling. For everything foreshadowed and then proven wrong or ignored, you lost major points. Did you guys make VII but not watch it?

(take a look again at Rey’s environment and actions and tell me Ep VII wasn’t hinting at something.)

Rey wearing helmet

Rey_AT-ATRey and Maaz and Saber

We can read over there in DWorld, right? If symbolism doesn’t get through to everybody, words should. When your one strong-with-the-force guide for the movie dumps three heaps of script gold at your feet, pick it up and put it in your pocket for the next film, Goofy.

Um… Science?

Your most ridiculous stunt in VII (the sucking of a sun’s energy into a planet) was overlooked because… hey, you still had Han Solo to blow it up and you had some major foreshadowing going on that gave us hope for VIII…

BUT… let’s follow SOME space rules, shall we?

If someone gets sucked out into space and starts to freeze to death (standard fact in all space movies now), shouldn’t ALL your people exposed to space start to freeze? Like that bomber laying only a few feet above an open hatch–

OH WAIT! We’re also going to pretend that bombs will fall from a bomber onto a target because of the gravitational pull that star cruisers exert on nearby bombs?

“Fall, bombs! Fall!”

star wars bomber

Not happening in space. Barely happened on the moon. My kids saw a problem with that. You guys are pretty close to NASA, right? Aren’t you like neighbors down there? You ever meet for coffee or go golfing together?

Copyright?

If I were any part of the DreamWorks studios I’d be looking to sue. Specifically in regards to Master Luke, I mean Master Shifu, I mean… WHAT?

Shifu-sorryWe’re making the same mistake? “I looked in him and saw evil, so I banished him/attempted murder/whatever–the master is to blame for the student going bad???

Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, if I hadn’t been a public school teacher and experienced the cultural turnabout that has made the teacher the one chained to the whipping post for the actions committed by the pupil, this wouldn’t be so sad. But it is. You’ve turned a StarWars hero into the fall guy and a villain into a victim!

What happened to a villain actually being a villain? Tell me if you’ve heard this one before:

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“The Big Bad Wolf.”

Try that one sometime. It’s classic. Cruela DeVille style.

Oh, and I believe Oogway’s float off into nothingness while the sun sets has been done.

Oogway-white

Real recently.

gonna oogway.001

gonna oogway.002

gonna oogway.003

Puh-LEASE! Your varying studios should get together and talk.

“We were thinking of pulling an Oogway.”
“Nuh, uh. We’re pulling an Oogway!”
“When’s your film coming out?”
“November. Yours?”
“December… Are you doing one with a cloak?”
“…um, we don’t have to… Would that help?”

NO! We didn’t even get two full months in between this same stunt. And in both cases, there was really no cause!

Disney, I will drop most things to be available for consultation on Episode IX. Let’s start talking soon.

Luke (Mark), I’m sure you had fun and it was good to see you again. Hope you come back.

Leia (Carrie), It was good to see you again too. You’re missed.

Rey and Ren/Ben, Nice work. Enjoyed you guys. Keep at it.

John Williams, Stay strong, buddy. Keep the music flowing. Saw you in concert live once. Totally awesome.

Peace,

Dave

(This falls under the category “For My Kids”. Please share with your kids too, lest they grow up thinking that their teachers are to blame when they don’t do the work assigned or when they turn into warmongering, domineering, homicidal maniacs who… might just like a girl, if she’ll only join him and his baddy self. But first, let’s blame her parents for sucking too.)

StarWars Last Jedi.png

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